The IT Crowd
Series 1
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 1: Yesterday's Jam
Jen applies for a job at Reynholm Industries and is hired by the quite eccentric CEO Denholm . Based on the skills she listed on her CV (aka resumé), Denholm makes Jen the manager for the IT department. The only problem is, Jen doesn't know the first thing about computers and Denholm is too dense to notice.
From the beautiful offices of the upper floors, Jen is sent to the IT department, which is located in the basement. Amidst the cluttered and dank offices, Jen meets Moss and Roy, the two geeks that make up the IT department. It's clear from the start that Jen doesn't want to work in the basement and Moss and Roy don't want a manager that doesn't know anything about computers.
Can the three of them find a common ground where they all three can work together?
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 1: Quotes
Roy: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Roy:I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Denholm: That's the sort of place this is Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work. And having affairs.
Moss: Ahh wicked. I know what this is. It's the new Harry Potter. I got the child edition and the adult edition just to check there are no differences in the text.
Moss: She is quite the oddball. Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?
Moss: My ear's getting hot!
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 2: Calamity Jen
Denholm declares war on stress and threatens to fire anyone who is under stress by the end of the day. To help the company win the "war," Denholm hires a stress expert who has a "stress-o-meter." Jen falls in love with a pair of shoes, but refuses to believe that the shoes are two sizes to small and buys them anyway. Moss sets fire to the basement office with a soldering iron and Roy's battle with kleptomania gets the better of him. Will the team hold it together by the end of the day so no one gets fired? Or will the combination of mangled feet and a raging fire cause too much stress and cause them to lose the "war?"
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 2: Quotes
Roy: Moss? Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
Moss: Yes.
Roy: You turned it off?
Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did.
Roy: Because, you remember what happened last time, right?
Moss: Yes. That was very funny.
Roy: Well no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.
Moss: Right. No. I was thinking of a different incident. The one on the golf course.
Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire.
Moss: Oh yeah, fire, sorry. I always get mixed up between golf and fire.
Roy: I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999.
Roy: I mean 911!
Moss: That's the American one, you berk
Denholm: In the time I've been speaking, over eighty million people have died of stress!
(waits a moment)
(snaps his fingers)
Denholm: There's another one!
Moss: Well that's easy to remember. 0118 999 881 999 119 725... 3
Roy: Denholm's called a general.
Jen: Oh God, another one?!?
Roy: Yep.
Moss: I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring war.
Denholm: I'm declaring war!
Denholm: What am I declaring war on? Stress! Stress is a disease, people, and I am the cure. I'm a doctor with a cure. No I'm not. I'm a general and it's still a war. A war on disease. Stress!
Denholm: Say I hate stress!
Roy: (mumbling) I hate stress
Denholm: No! You didn't let me finish. Say I hate stress. I want to limit its influence in my life. What can I do about it?
Denholm: A bath!?! Get a bike. I cycle to work every day 70 miles. (pointing to the inside of this thighs) Both here and here are as red as a fire engine.
Dr. Julian Holmes: So, let's move on.
Roy: Woah! Ahhh, I actually haven't had a proper go yet [on the stress meter] and I don't think that should count, what's happened there.
Moss: (raising his hand in the air) Actually I don't think that's fair. I would like a go and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady (pointing to the lady).
Jen: (noticing Roy and Moss staring at how weird she is walking in her new shoes) The shoes-ah!
Moss: What was all that about?
Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.
Moss: It's a bit sexist isn't it?
Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
Moss: No, but I only know one woman. And she just left the room shouting "The shoes-ah!
Moss: (after attempting to dial the new emergency services number) Hello. Is this the Emergency Services? (pause) Then which country am I speaking to?
(There is a fire in the office and Moss decides to send an e-mail to Emergency Services)
Moss: "Subject: Fire. Dear Sir stroke Madam: I'm writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal.
(Moss deletes what he typed)
Moss: "Dear Sir stroke Madam: Fire. Exclamation mark. Fire. Exclamation mark. Help me. Exclamation mark. 123 Clarandon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."
Denholm: (to the Japanese translator) Please thank Yamamoto san for this fine ceremonial sword. It is a magnificent symbol of our new merger. (He pauses for the translator to translate) I am sorry that my gift, a huge pair of Doc Martins with extremely thick and heavy soles, is so paltry in comparison.
Jen: (after having screamed profanity at Mr Yamamoto) I am so sorry Denholm.
Denholm: That was quite a tirade Jen. It would have been even worse had Paul not been so quick on the "Profanity Buzzer."
Denholm: Shouting at Japs, mad feet, both classic signs of stress. And you know how I feel about stress.
Jen: Oh I'm in real trouble. I'm in real trouble. Help me get my shoes on. I've got to get my shoes on. Help me get my shoes on before Denholm comes.
Roy: Denholm's coming?!?
Jen: Yeah and he's going to fire (finally noticing the fire in the office) fire, FIRE!
Jen: I hate to remind everyone, but I just destroyed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire and Denholm is furious, so can we please, please concentrate on what's important. And help me on with my shoes!
Jen: I hate to remind everyone, but I just destroyed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire and Denholm is furious, so can we please, please concentrate on what's important. And help me on with my shoes!
Moss: I can't go to prison, Roy, they'll rape the flip out of me!
Roy: (referring to Denholm) You stall him by the door.
Jen: How?
Roy: I don't know! Use your womanly ways.
(Jen positions herself in the doorway)
Roy: Okay Moss, pass me that monitor, the broken one.
Denholm: (pointing at Jen) There you are!
Jen: (in a deeper voice) Hello there.
Denholm: It's no use being womanly with me Jen. You're in big trouble (as he pushes right past her)
Denholm: (talking to Jen) You understand that this is your last chance. If the needle goes beyond here (motions to the stress meter) you will be fired. Does that make you feel stressed? Jen! Does it? No? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?
Denholm: (holding a yellow balloon) See this balloon Jen? I'm going to burst it. But I'm not going to tell you when. Do you feel stressed Jen? Jen? Jen? Look at that! (turns the balloon to display the words "JEN'S PEACE OF MIND") That's your peace of mind and it's going to go bang. Do you feel stressed now!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Jen!? Do you!? (he looks at the stress meter) Evidently not. Well done Jen. You're not being fired by me at this precise moment.
Roy: I don't know if it's the loss of blood, or the melting plastic from the monitor, but I feel great.
Fireman: Did somebody e-mail us about a fire?
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 3: Fifty-Fifty
Love is in the air with the IT Crowd! Roy has what he thinks is a wonderful date, only to learn that he has had something nasty on his forehead the whole evening. Jen fancies the security guard (Oliver Chris) and tries to impress him by guessing the answers to questions on classical music. Jen figures she has a 50:50 chance of getting the right answer, so there's no harm in it, or is there? With Roy's disappointment over his last date, he decides that women only like bastards. Jen disagrees, so to settle the argument, Roy puts a fake profile up on an online dating site. Roy and Moss create a horrible online profile, only it works a little too well.
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 3: Quotes
Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole lonely hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT man who works in the basement. Yes I do the whole lonely hearts thing.
(The phone rings and the answering machine picks up. A tape of Roy speaking is played)
Woman On Phone: My computer won't work.
Roy On Tape: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Woman On Phone: Yes, it still doesn't work.
Roy On Tape: Have you made sure it's plugged in?
Woman On Phone: Oh right. Thanks... (hangs up)
Roy: (reading his lonely hearts classified ad) Shut up. Do what I tell you. I'm not interested. These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. PS: No dogs!
Moss: That's good.
Roy: What's yours?
Moss: Mine didn't look any good now.
Roy: Go on.
Moss: I'm going to murder you... you bloody woman.
Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.
Moss: If you were a serial killer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be "The Gardener", because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.
Roy: What would your murder weapon be?
Moss: (thinks for a minute) A hammer.
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 4: The Red Door
Moss has a new mug with a picture of his name on it so that it doesn't go missing. Unfortunately, Moss learns that his mug has gone missing. Jen has become more comfortable with her surroundings and sees for the first time the "Red Door." Roy refuses to allow her to see what's behind it for fear that Jen will upset the delicate eco-balance of the office. While on an IT call, Roy becomes trapped as a "desk rabbit" and Moss has to go and save him, leaving the Red Door unguarded. What will Jen find behind the door and what the heck is a "desk rabbit?"
Season 1, Episode 4: Quotes
jen: why don't you never see any cockney goths?
Richmond: they're too cheerful. they spoil it for the rest of us
Jen: and how come you never see goths drving cars?
Richmond: oh we dirve cars. We're just like you really. except we listen to cradle of filth
Jen cradle of filth, I presume thats a band
Richmond: umm
Jen its not literally a cradle of filth
Richmond: ooh no that would be horrible..cradle of filth are actually one of the best contmepory dark wave dark bands in the world
Moss: If that woman looks down she going to assume he's a desk rabbit.
Jen: what's a desk rabbit?
Moss: I just made that up. But thats probablt what they are going to start calling people like roy. but roys not a desk rabbit he's my best friend and unless you do something soon.
Jen: So what happened?
Richmond: It's quite a long story, actually.
Jen: Really? Don't worry about it then
Moss: (looking at his mobile phone) Roy's stuck under a desk.
Jen: Stuck under a desk?
Moss: Yes. It is an unusual text isn't it? It's not just me.
Jen: What are you laughing at?
Moss: This flipping circuitboard, Jen. Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply. Amateur hour! I've got tears in my eyes
Roy: (to Jen) I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess, but it's actually a very delicate eco-system.
Jen: Tell me. What's behind that red door?
(Big crash outside the office then Moss walks in.)
Moss and Roy: (together) Nothing!
Jen: Well there must be something behind it.
Moss: There's nothing behind the red door, Jen.
Jen: Well then I can just go in-
Roy: No, Jen, it's just a boring old store room. That's all. It's just a store room where we keep the snibbets.
Jen: What's a snibbet?
Roy: It's a kind of plange.
Jen: A plange for the computers?
Roy: Yes, computer plange.
Jen: Well if it's a store room, we can store some of this stuff in there.
Roy: No! Jen, Jen. I know you want to make your mark down here, and that's really sweet, but, um, you can't just go messing around with the snibbet store room, willy nilly. You can't upset the whole hartmony of the place.
Moss: Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?
Roy: What's that?
Jen: Goats' cheese salad.
Roy: Oh, Oh!
Jen: You don't like goats' cheese?
Roy: I don't like goats' anything. I don't like goats being involved in any stage of the food production process.
Roy: (singing) We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.
Roy: At last things are back to normal. As long as no one goes through that door! (pointing to an old, creepy, menacing green door
Moss: Hello, Richmond. How are things?
Richmond: Well, you know, not brilliant.
Moss: You've got to help Roy! (sees Richmond standing there) Richmond is out of his roo- he's supposed to be in his roo- why is he not in his room?
Richmond: You mean I've got to stay down here?
Denholm: Yes, now stay away from me, you goblin!
(Roy answers the phone)
Roy: Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Have you made sure it's plugged in? Okay, I'll be up in a moment.
(Roy sits down and starts to read a comic book)
Jen: Receptionist, third floor, have you seen her baby?
Roy: I didn't even know she was pregnant.
Moss: She was out to here! (gestures how fat she was)
Roy: Yes, I thought she was stealing office equipment! That's how I got that monitor.
Jen: How can you two live like this?
Moss: (typing) How can you two live like this?
Roy: Don't Google the question, Moss!
Jen: Goths are people too!
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 5: The Haunting of Bill Crouse
Jen goes on a date with Bill Crouse , who she finds really offensive. To help Jen avoid future contact with Bill, Moss goes to extreme measures in his lying which leads everyone to believe that Jen is dead - well, everyone except Jen that is. Meanwhile, Roy finds himself trying to escape the attentions of one of the "beautiful people" on the 5th floor.
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 5: Quotes
Roy: If that Judy woman comes down, I don't work here, you've never seen me, just make up something, get rid of her. She's easy to spot. She has three rows of teeth.
Roy: (on the phone) Hello Judy. What can I do for you?
Judy: Computer's broken.
Roy: Is it a PC or a Mac?
Judy: Yes!
Bill: Let me guess. You're a red wine person.
Jen: Yes, yes I am.
Bill: I would be too if you could get some service round here.
(He turns to the Mick Hucknell lookalike waiter.)
Bill: Yeah, you, Hucknell. When you're Simply Red-y.
Roy: I used to work as a waiter. If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh, my God. Before you brought it to their table?
Roy: (sarcastically) No, after. Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
Judy: Where's Roy?
Moss: (pauses) Roy's dead.
Denholm: You heard me, he's in the building, Elton John is going to sing a beautiful song about death!
Jen: Can you get me his address?
Moss: Yess, umm, er, it might be a bit difficult, Umm, I have to hack into his private company account, it might take some time. (taps keyboard) There we go.
Denholm: God I miss Jen. She reminded me of me at her age. I mean, when I was her age she reminded me of her age. (pauses) She reminded me of my age at her age. (pauses) When I was her age she was reminded of me.
Julie: I don't think that's Elton John!
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 6: Aunt Irma Visits
Jen explains to Roy and Moss that her "Aunt Irma" is visiting. When they don't understand, she explains that she has very powerful mood swings around a certain time every month, which leads to Roy and Moss displaying the same symptoms. Project Iccarus is finished and all of the teams assemble before Denholm as he thanks everyone even remotely associated with the project - except for the IT Crowd. To retaliate in being left out of the the "thank you's," the IT Crowd decide to sabotage the celebration party only to find themselves enjoying in the festivities and to the bizarre conclusion the morning after.
The IT Crowd - Season 1, Episode 5: Quotes
Roy: (referring to Steel Magnolias) You really liked that film?
Moss: Yes. Didn't you?
Roy: No! It was heart-warming.
Moss: Well, I feel like a princess, Roy. And don't tell me you don't feel the same.
Roy: You signed it from both of us.
Moss: Yes. Along with a list of symptoms.
Roy: Headachey, weight gain, irritability, anxiety, breast tenderness.
Moss: I get that. Don't you?
Roy: Yes. But you cannot tell the entire IT community that we have PMT.
Moss: Come on, no one would use that sort of information against us. Oh, wait a second. They would, wouldn't they? Oh no!
Moss: I've been having dark thoughts.
Dr Mendell: Dark thoughts?
Moss: Yes, thoughts about dark things.
Dr Mendell: What sort of dark things?
Moss: Things that are dark.
Dr Mendell: Like what?
Moss: Darkness. Night. Things of the night. Dracula.
Moss: The psychiatrist is a very attractive lady.
Roy: Ah, I see. She's of the female ...
Moss: ...genre. Yes.
Moss: I'm glad the toilet guys got the nod though. Cor, they do good work. Have you seen the toilets on 12th? It's like going on holiday. I try not to go at home, now. I save it up
Roy: (answering the phone) Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Have you tried sticking it up your arse?
Roy: I can't believe there's a psychiatrist in the building. All because those two from accounts just had enough of everything and wanted to go to the seaside.
Moss: The seaside? They committed suicide, Roy
Newsreader: The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, gangly and almost all of them work with computers. In Tokyo two games designers went on the rampage in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg a group of software developers shouted at a bus. The situation is completely out of control!
Jen: OK Moss what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smartie cereals.
Jen: Oh my god, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't it's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Jen: OK Moss what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smartie cereals.
Jen: Oh my god, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't it's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Denholm: (shouting) Roy! I'm sorry Roy, I may be speaking louder at the moment because I'm wearing ear-plugs!
Roy: Why are you wearing ear plugs?
Denholm: That's right!
Moss: (discussing his psychiatrist) She's a glamorous older woman.
Roy: Oh, the things you could learn from her.
Moss: Or indeed from any woman.
Moss: (struggling to open a bottle of water) Why are these things always so hard to open?! (frustrated, he throws his monitor across the room)
Denholm: And finally, last but not least, champagne? (pours champagne) These three people proved, time and again, that they have, the right stuff. The toilet cleaners! They said we couldn't do it. They said outsourcing our toilet-cleaning would be inefficient. Derk, Banhead and Doodles proved them wrong. (cheer)
Doodles: Toilets!
Denholm: That's right Doodles!